I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
