I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
