They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
