my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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