Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
