god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
