Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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