Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
