Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
