Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
