dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
