Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
