I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
