Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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