Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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