It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
