I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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