I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
