I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
last night I used snow as a chaser
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
