everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
