Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
