party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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