did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
