Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
