I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
