3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
