I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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