i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
