when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
