Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
