She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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