She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
