haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
