My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
