Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
