WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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