I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
