Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
