He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
