Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
