just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
