I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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