Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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