How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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