Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish I only lived at night.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
