Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
