I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
