Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
