I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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