You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
