Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
